Cats must ...

...act like they are dying of hunger in front of humans.
...activate "the paw" when there is food within snagging distance.
...attack incoming faxes and chew them so that the humans can't read them.
...attack the answering machine and purr all over it.
...attack their human's shoelaces when she is tying them.
...balance their 25 pound body on their human's full bladder.
...barf up hairballs on the human's computer keyboard.
...bite the legs of anyone who comes out of the shower.
...bite their sister's butt until she hisses.
...bring live snakes into the house.
...catch mice to give to the dog to eat.
...charge themselves with static electricity and zap their sleeping human at 2 am.
...chase the humans while they are carrying a full laundry basket.
...claim the cream cheese and lox bagel on the kitchen table as their own.
...climb into their human's dropped briefs while he is sitting on the toilet.
...climb on the lap of any human who is using a laptop computer.
...climb on top of the fridge and knock the magnets off.
...climb the wallpaper in their human's new house.
...climb their human's leg to get tuna fish or pancakes.
...cling to the outside of the screen door at eye level and howl.
...commence biting their human's toes when she exits the shower.
...crawl into open suitcase to help humans pack.
...crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
...cuddle their human's dress shoes and drool in them.
...destroy a toy the first time they play with it.
...display their worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night.
...drag dirty socks out of the laundry basket and bury them in the litter box.
...drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night.
...drag knitting around the house, unravelling it in the process.
...drag the apple peels out of the garbage to play with them.
...drag their butt on the carpet after exiting the litter box.
...drink the bathwater while their human is taking a bath.
...drool in their sleeping human's ear.
...eat all random things they find on the floor.
...faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
...fall asleep on the human's back or chest.
...fart in front of the human's friends. Nobody ever believes it is the cat.
...groom the humans at 2 a.m.
...groom their private parts in front of company.
...groom their private parts while their humans are trying to eat.
...growl and hiss at the German Shepherd next door causing him to pee.
...gulp down their dinner at lightning speed, and then barf it up.
...hack up the world's largest hairball on the human's new futon.
...have one of the freshly-baked cookies cooling on the table.
...head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds away from winning.
...help the human with the jigsaw puzzles.
...hide in the kitchen drawers and jump out at the human.
...hold the pen in their mouth while their human is trying to write.
...hook a claw into the human's nostril to wake her up on weekends.
...ignore their new toys but suddenly realize the new toy is quite interesting at 3 a.m.
...interfere with the broom when the human is sweeping the floor.
...jump into the chair whenever the human gets up to do something.
...jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its occupants.
...jump onto the human's lap immediately prior to the commercial breaks.
...jump onto the human's stomach when he is taking a nap.
...jump onto the kitchen counter and make off with the roast chicken.
...jump onto the table to eat cantaloupe if no one gives them a piece.
...jump onto the toilet seat just as their human is sitting down.
...knock over the stacks of CDs.
...knock pennies off the nightstand at 3 a.m.
...knock the phone off the hook to hear the neat beep-beep-beep noise.
...knock their toys under the refrigerator.
...knock things off the coffee table so they can lie down more comfortably.
...leap from great heights onto to their seated human's genital region.
...leave paw prints and hair on the toilet seat.
...lick all the glue off of all of the envelopes.
...lick the cheese from the grater when the human's back is turned.
...lick the faucet to encourage their human to turn on the drinking water.
...lick the humans' eyes while they are trying to sleep.
...lie down with their butt in the human's face.
...lie next to their human's ear and purr loudly.
...lie on clean laundry just after its been folded.
...lie on their human's face in the middle of the night.
...lie under the coffee table and hiss at all guests.
...lurk under the bed and pounce on the unsuspecting human's feet.
...make long-distance calls at 2 a.m. by dancing on the telephone.
...make snowflakes out of a whole roll of paper towels.
...need to use all the kitty litter to bury their poop.
...open all the presents before Christmas.
...open the breakfast muffins box and eat exactly one bite out of each.
...play "Charge of the Light Brigade" in the hallway at 3 a.m.
...play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
...play attack cat in the middle of the night whenever the human rolls over.
...play hockey with a shampoo cap in the bathtub in the wee hours of the morning.
...play trapeze artist on the curtain rods.
...play with their new rubber ball in the bathtub at 3 a.m.
...pounce on the sheets and crawl under them when the human is making the bed.
...press the buttons when the human is on the phone.
...pull dirty socks out of the laundry basket and leave them on their human's pillow.
...push the VCR off the top of the TV.
...put their head in their human's mouth while he is trying to eat.
...put their tails and paws in places where they can be stepped on.
...re-arrange all area rugs on hardwood floors.
...refuse to eat their food until it has been piled into a pyramid shape.
...reset their human's alarm clock by walking on it.
...ride on the string mop while the human is cleaning the floor.
...shred the newspaper to keep it from attacking the human.
...shred the packaging on all prepackaged food so that they can do a taste test.
...sit on the human's hand and purr while she is using the computer.
...sit on the key marked "Del".
...sit on top of the kitchen cabinets and play vulture.
...sleep in the middle of the bed.
...sleep on their human's freshly washed and waxed car.
...sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people can sit on them.
...slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
...steal the human's Cheetos and leave them licked but not eaten on her bed.
...steal the olives/mushrooms/cheese off the human's pizza.
...steal the scrub pad from the sink and drag it all over the house.
...step in the human's open contact lens case.
...stick their paws under the bathroom door when it is closed and snag anything.
...stomp on the stereo remote and increase the sound level to 120 decibels.
...supervise the human who is working at the kitchen counter.
...supervise the painting of the guest room.
...teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
...tear into the bag of cat food just to see if it the same as what is in their dish.
...toggle the human's word processor from insert to overtype mode.
...toss their poop out of the litter box and play hockey with it.
...track kitty litter all over the apartment.
...trip any human who is on the way to the kitchen.
...try to bat a sandwich or Fudgesicle out of the human's hand.
...try to dig to China from their litter box.
...try to nibble the comb or brush when their human grooms them.
...try to pick fights with cats looking into the house through a door or window.
...try to taste the gerbils when the human is holding one.
...turn on the toy train at 5 a.m. to watch it.
...turn over every glass just to watch the liuid pool.
...unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
...use car windshields as slides when they have muddy feet.
...use perfume bottles for bowling pins.
...use the keyboard as a springboard trying to catch the pretty flashing cursor.
...use the ninja kitty paw strike to snag the human's dinner entree.
...wake the human at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
...whine (with their mouth full) if they get dry food instead of canned.

Cats must...